This beautiful exchange

Everything had been set up for me to begin my new life in Virginia. I would have been excited about what lay ahead of me if I wasn’t so terrified to leave everything else behind. During the days before the actual move, I relied heavily on the strength of my mother and even told her that I could only do it if she was willing to push me. We loaded up my car and the rental van and made our way east. My grandparents also joined us for the trip. We made a quick stop to visit my brother as we passed through the state, and by the end of the night, I was on my way and far from anything I had known before.

The first few weeks in Virginia felt like a whirlwind, but it was what I needed. I had cousins who surrounded me, even though they understood very little of what was going on inside of me. They helped me get settled and make friends. Those first few months felt so critical to me, and I became very thankful for people who were willing to be my friend, regardless of how much they knew about my past. I kept thinking that if they only knew what I had just come from, they would not want to be around me. But, the greatest blessing was that they didn’t care and didn’t ask. It was good enough that I was just myself and they accepted the answer that I needed to start over.

I think that it was during these first few months in my new home that I learned how to exist. I stopped trying to process and work through all that happened and allowed myself to learn how to cope with the pain and questions that I was carrying and let it be enough. I didn’t have to talk about it if I didn’t want to and I didn’t have to fear running into people or uncomfortable situations. I started to feel a sense of freedom, again. And, I began learning how to be myself again and who I wanted to become. I was still carrying around an immense amount of pain and questions too big for anyone to answer, but my life was moving on, and I couldn’t be more grateful.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that while all of this was going on, I was also involved in the beginning stages of a very important relationship. When I left Missouri, I knew that I was leaving something very special behind, but I did not fear losing it in the process. I knew that I had to move on and that I needed to start over. It was the most important step for me to take, and any relationship that I had created would have to be able to move and transform along with me.

So, there I was, two-thousand miles away from home, terrified of people, nervous to start my new job, unable to bring myself to go to church, and questioning all that I had believed with no one around who could give me the answers I desperately wanted. But, I started to feel like my life could move forward to new things, and maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t hate it.

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